A
Deeper Look at Relationships
How can you improve your relationships?
Understandably, a simple Step 1, Step 2 cookbook approach is attractive.
However, a deeper look provides better results.
There’s a wisdom within
all of us that’s the source of healthy relationships. That
wisdom does not need to be created. It’s already there.
It only needs to be freed. Cultivating a healthy relationship
with your inner dynamic frees that wisdom. Trying to manipulate
your inner dynamic only distorts things.
When you’re in a difficult
relationship with another person, it’s easy to think it’s
because of the other person. And that may well be true. Nevertheless,
the approach remains the same: Free your own inner wisdom by understanding
your inner dynamic.
Your inner dynamic is very intimately
connected with your identity. Difficult relationships generally
are a tug-of-war between two identities. Your identity arose from
the sum total of your life’s experiences and reaches to
the very root of your being. It includes the manner in which you
feel as well as the manner in which you think. It colors everything.
It profoundly affects your inner dynamic—your convictions,
affinities, aversions, beliefs, fears, and longings. It is who
and what you believe yourself to be. But it can be extremely challenging
to honestly acknowledge what is really going on inside you. It
usually feels threatening.
What lies deeper than your identity
is your true nature. By creating a healthy relationship with your
identity, you move beyond identity and discover your true nature—the
source of wisdom, healthy behavior, and positive relationships
(not only with other people, but also with yourself). Health dwells
within you as you.
The path is profoundly elusive.
It’s easy to convince yourself you are beyond identity—flexible,
open-minded, fair, intelligent, and wise. But, that is simply
another form of identity. Attempts to let go of your identity
amount to holding on to letting go. Instead of avoiding the reality
that you have an identity, you would do better to develop a healthy
relationship with your identity. At first, that can feel like
very unstable ground.
There’s a natural tendency
to scurry for stable ground. But that amounts to sweeping the
truth under the rug. The truth is that your true nature, which
lies deeper than your identity, is very vulnerable. We are all
incredibly vulnerable creatures. Yet, opening to your vulnerability
can be challenging. For many, vulnerability implies weakness,
frailty, and helplessness. In actuality, vulnerability is a positive
attribute, a sensitivity inherent to everyone. However, human
sensitivity is very easily triggered. A comment, a glance, a gesture,
even a demeanor could be enough to make you feel hurt. Very few
people are willing to feel their vulnerability. Instead, we jump
to blame, anger, denial, criticism, or self-justification, to
name a few. These are all forms of identity. Again, moving past
identity does not mean getting rid of it. It means having a healthy
relationship with it—spreading the cards out on the table,
so you feel and experience all of what is going on within you.
To be able to help another move
past identity is a rare and subtle gift. If you are not careful,
it merely imposes your identity upon another person. No one can
even begin to help another move past identity until they have
thoroughly worked with their own.
Your job is to explore your vulnerability
and your identity. The more you do that, the healthier your relationships
will become. Exploration tills the soil of your own inner dynamic.
That frees things up so an inherent self-normalization can occur.
This enables you to rest into your true nature. This can be a
difficult concept for many to grasp. Usually, if during exploration,
people discover something they don’t like, they immediately
jump to fix it. They tell themselves, “Stop thinking that
way; think this way. Don’t feel like that; feel like this.”
However, this amounts to creating another identity. Life is just
not that simple.
You can easily take what is said
here, decide you “get it,” and turn it into another
stable ground, another identity. Just that quickly, it slips through
your fingers. The truth is nobody “gets it.” We all
want stable ground, but the reality is, there is no stable ground.
A healthy relationship with another entails a healthy relationship
with that understanding.
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